Mewsers
by Ember Ardent Flame
Summary: What if all of the Mew Mews were terrible at their job? What if the Mew Mews were bad at fighting, and even worse at being normal people? What if the Mew Mews were losers? Well, that's the idea behind this parody fanfic. If you're looking for a hilarious dose of epic fail, you will want to read this right now. Rated T for underage drinking, mild profanity, and sexual themes. OCs!
1. Chapter 1

**Author: Okay. For everyone who is reading SAP, my dad broke my computer and I won't be able to update SAP until I get it repaired because the next chapter is on my computer. This story is being written on my mother's laptop because it's new and I have no pre-constructed chapter on my computer.**

* * *

One day, 4kids got mad that they were no longer able to dub Tokyo Mew Mew into Mew Mew Power. That night, the chairman of the horrible company met a man in secret to discuss something of the utmost importance.

"Do you care how it's done?" the man asked. "Do you have any particular targets?"

"No, no," answered the chairman. "Just get five girls. This scanner will tell you which animal DNA the girl is a match for." He put something that looked like a tiny satellite dish onto the table.

"All right, I'll do it," the man answered.

"We won't even have to pay you?" the chairman inquired.

"That's correct," the man confirmed with a nod.

"Why not?" the chairman asked, getting suspicious.

"Sir, the world needs heroes. I'm happy to help you provide them," the man replied.

"That's good of you," answered the chairman. Then he got up and left. As he walked out of the run-down bar, he smirked. If Tokyo wouldn't let 4kids have its Mew Mews, then 4kids would create their own.

The man watched the chairman leave before picking up the scanner. He grinned at this device. This man had no interest in Tokyo Mew Mew, Mew Mew Power, or even heroes. No, this man was only interested in one thing" revenge. Yes, this man was a fan of the anime One Piece, which the 4kids dub had slaughtered. 4kids had made a mockery of his favorite show, so now he would make a mockery of 4kids.

* * *

Blaire Sightly snored softly on her pillow, unaware of the man with the satellite standing outside her window. She never heard the man utter, "Perfect."; never saw him aim his little laser; never felt the injection of animal DNA enter her body. However, she did notice her dream rapidly change.

One moment, Blaire was walking down the sidewalk holding Jake Jones's hand. The next, she was spiraling into a bubble-world as Jake slipped out of her grip. In the world or pastel oranges and yellows, she came face to face with her worst enemy. Yes, before her stood a North American Plains Bison.

"Eep!" she shrieked in terror. "Not a buffalo! No!" The animal snorted, and Blaire turned around and ran for her life, her dark brown curls flying out behind her, her dark brown eyes widened in fear. "No, no, no! I'm scared of buffaloes! Go away!" she screamed. But to her dismay, the creature began to chase her. "NOOOO!" she yelped. She panted as she ran, horribly out of shape. She tried to speed up, but she was already going as fast as she could. Her lungs began to burn, and with a cough, she tripped and fell onto the bubble-realm's invisible floor. The buffalo buried its front hooves into her back, right between her shoulders blades. Blaire screamed in terror and agony as some ethereal warmth spread throughout her body.

Heart practically pounding out of her chest, Blaire sat up in bed and slapped her hand over the rapidly thumping organ. That had definitely been the most terrifying nightmare ever. Blaire sighed and laid back down, relieved that it was over, for the girl had an irrational fear of bison. If Blaire ever saw another buffalo, it would be too soon.

* * *

Emily Edwards snuck out of the night club the same way that she had snuck in. Giggling from whatever drink it was that one guy had bought her, she meandered down the alley in her high heels and all-too-revealing dress. The cut-outs of the garment showed her hips and most of her back, while the incredibly low neckline displayed her ample cleavage. She blinked her big hazel eyes rather slowly as she stared at a spot that had just appeared on one of her exposed hips. It was a little red laser dot. She wondered if it were actually there, or if she had just had too much to drink. When the world all around her became dark, she decided that the latter had been the culprit.

Emily glanced around and thought it all rather strange. She had never remembered passing out before, and she had had a lot of experience in that area. The blackness all around her slowly lightened into gray patches, and she was surprised to find herself naked. However, she soon got distracted by this hallucination's – for that's what she thought it must be – cute bubbles. Suddenly, she noticed that one of the black patches hadn't lightened up at all. She stared at it, and it opened its eyes and stared right back. Its eyes were yellow with slit pupils. Emily cocked her head to the side and her straight brunette hair fell onto her shoulders. The black spot stood up and took on a shape. It was then that Emily realized it was a panther. "Aw! You big kitty!" she cooed. "Come here and let me give you a hug." The panther stood and charged at her, but Emily didn't move an inch. The creature swiped a huge paw and scratched Emily on the hip before turning into sparkles that slipped into the fresh wound. The sparkles made Emily feel all warm and fuzzy inside, just like a sip of vodka.

When Emily came to in the alley, she was too drunk to notice the man with the satellite sneak away through the shadows. The girl stood to her feet and decided to go home. Summer vacation had just started, and she didn't want to spoil it with a premature grounding.

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**I've missed you readers so much! Please tell me what you think of my newest fic. ;) I know that not much happens in this first chapter, but of course I will lay out my usual good plot after all of the injections are finished. –E.A.F.**


	2. Chapter 2

Emily Edwards awoke the next morning with a pounding head, an aching hip, and a golden object on her nightstand. She didn't really remember anything that had happened the night before, except… Had that club had a panther and a bubble machine? She shook her head and decided not to worry about it. She peeled off her pajamas and slipped on a fitted tank top and a pair of booty shorts before going to make a pot of coffee.

* * *

Blaire Sightly woke up and wondered why her back was hurting. After climbing out of bed, she headed to the bathroom for a shower. Once she was clean and the room was filled with steam, she grabbed a towel and began to dry herself off. Blaire was excited. Today was the day she had planned to spend at the water park with her friends. Cynthia would be here soon to pick her up. And then, Blaire would spend the whole day splashing and having fun with Cynthia, Kayla, Gabrielle, Marcus, and… Jake Jones! She squealed as his beautiful face popped into her head and ran back to her room in nothing but a towel. She had to find her yellow string-bikini. It was the cutest swim suit she had.

* * *

Emily sipped her coffee and stared at the TV screen. It was displaying a news broadcast which had empty title bars. This town was so weird. There weren't any words on anything. There weren't even any words on the town entrance sign, so nobody even knew the name of this town. The people spoke English and had English names, but there were lots of Japanese landmarks. Maybe they were in Vegas? After all, Vegas had landmarks from all over the world. Yeah, Vegas. That made sense, Emily thought.

* * *

As Blaire rummaged through her drawers, she found a golden object with a pink design on it. Confused, she reached for it. As her skin brushed against its surface, she suddenly remembered the buffalo dream. "No!" she exclaimed. And then, before she knew what she was doing, she had grabbed the golden object, kissed it, and screamed, "Power Pendant, MEWTAMORPHOSIS!"

The song "Ievan Polkka" started playing, and Blaire found herself dancing along with it. She was horrified, especially since she was naked. Her body was glowing, and little by little, orange pieces of clothing began to appear. Orange cowboy boots. An orange, Western-style fringed skirt. Orange fingerless gloves. An orange cowgirl vest that, thankfully, had a zipper that kept it closed. And then, things got really weird. She sprouted a tail. A… a b-b-buffalo tail! Her dark brown curls piled themselves into an afro, and she grew two tiny buffalo horns. Her dance must have ended, because the music stopped and she stood transformed into some grotesque half-girl, half-buffalo monstrosity. She shrieked so loudly that the birds resting in the tree outside her window got frightened and flew away.

* * *

Lina Jacobs poured syrup onto her stack of buttered pancakes as her little sister stared at her. "Lina, don't use all the syrup!" Ebony whined. Lina put the syrup bottle down before reaching over and pulling one of her younger sister's braids. "Lina!" Ebony complained.

Their mother entered the room and stared at her older daughter's plate. "Eight pancakes, Lina?" she exclaimed. "Doesn't that seem a bit much?"

Lina sheepishly hung her head before digging her fork into her pancakes. Once her mouth was stuffed full, she answered her mother with something that was impossible to decipher.

Mrs. Jacobs shook her head. "Girl, keep yo mouth shut when you chew."

Lina contentedly nodded and swallowed her mouthful, only to shove in another one. Pancakes were her favorite breakfast food. It was cake that she could eat for breakfast! Bacon came in a close second. Lina stopped to ponder how wonderful a syrup-smothered maple-bacon pancake would be. She would have to make something like that one day.

After breakfast, Lina went upstairs to her room. She pulled off her pajama shorts and went to find a cute pair of jeans. She paused and looked in the mirror that hung on her wall, sighing in disappointment. Lina hated her body. She went back to rummaging in her drawers and pulled out a pair of size 2X jeans. She slid them on and then looked for her yellow shirt. Yellow looked the best against her dark skin. She had just found the shirt and put it on when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" she heard Ebony yell. "Lina, it's for you!"

Lina looked up in confusion; she wasn't expecting anyone. Who could it be? She went downstairs and walked to the front door.

"Hey girlfriend!" a familiar voice called.

Lina smiled. Her best friend, Shay, stood at the door. Maya, Lina's only other friend, stood there too. "Hola, amiga!" Maya greeted.

"Hi girls," Lina said with a smile.

"We're going to the mall," Shay announced as the sun shone off of her bronze skin. "You wanna come?" she asked as she played with the end of one of her cornrow braids.

"Okay," Lina nodded. She didn't have anything better to do. "I'll see you later, Mama," Lina called out. "Shay, Maya and me are going to the mall."

"Be back before dinner," Mrs. Jacobs called.

"Yes ma'am," Lina responded. Then she turned to her friends. "Let's go!" The girls ran along, giggling.

"So guess who's supposed to be there," Shay asked as they walked down Lina's driveway.

"I- I don't know," Lina stuttered. But she had a sinking feeling that she knew exactly who Shay was talking about.

"Vito," Shay replied.

Lina winced. "And what's that have to do with me?"

Shay began, "Because he's…"

"Muy guapo," Maya finished.

Shay nodded. "That's right. He's handsomer than Edward Cullen. And you're into him, so you should go for it!"

"He won't be into me," Lina mumbled.

"Why not?" Shay asked.

Lina slumped her shoulders awkwardly. She really didn't want to answer Shay's question. Luckily, Maya saved her by uttering her first English sentence since she had woken up that morning. "She's a strong, confident black woman who don't need no man!" Maya said jokingly. "Vito would be crying his heart out within a week."

Lina laughed. "Yeah! Maya, you know me so well," she bantered in return.

Shay grinned and played along. "Of course." She pretended to slap her forehead. "How could I forget? I'm so silly. Of course, Vito would be wary of a total player like you, Lina."

All of the girls knew the real reason. Lina was too insecure to ask Vito out, afraid that he would reject her: all two hundred and seventeen pounds of her.

Shay stopped laughing. "But for real, girl. You're the nicest person I know. Any guy would be lucky to have you."

Lina shook her head. "That's easy for you to say, Shay. You're a size 2. I'm a size 2X."

Shay snorted. "At least you have boobs." Shay pointed to her flat chest. "My girls are so small, I could disguise myself as a boy and not even look suspicious."

Of the three girls, Maya was the only one who had a boyfriend. The Hispanic girl barely spoke English, but not because she wasn't fluent. Maya just liked the way that Spanish sounded, the way it rolled of her tongue like a river of words. In her mind, English seemed awkward in comparison.

The girls kept walking. Maya took out her cell phone and started texting Alejandro, and Shay kept trying to convince Lina to at least talk to Vito. The girls were so engrossed in what they were doing that none of them noticed the laser hitting Lina's neck. And then, Lina passed out on the sidewalk. "Lina!" Shay screamed. Maya dropped her cell phone and leaned over her friend.


End file.
